The real Five Points of Calvinism

If you were to believe the critics of the doctrines of grace, what Calvinists really believe is this:

1. Evangelism is unnecessary because God will save his elect whether they like it or not and drag them kicking and screaming into heaven.
2. God created a race of mindless robots to do his will.
3. God has created thousands of innocent little babies just so he can send them to hell.
4. Heretics should be burned at the stake, just as Calvin murdered Servetus.
5. You don't need your Bible as long as you have your cold intellectualism and the Institutes of the Christian Religion on your desk.

(Tongue squarely in cheek, of course. Just for fun, does anyone want to try to map these to a corresponding component of TULIP?)