March 10, 2014

Are atheists vampires?

Well, they're certainly not the rational and entirely non-superstitious geniuses we're led (by them, of course) to think they are. Case in point:

A group of atheists have launched a legal challenge against the inclusion of the 'miracle cross' from the Twin Towers in the National September 11 Memorial and Museum.

The 17-foot cross that emerged from the rubble at Ground Zero was seen by many rescue workers as a symbol of hope, but now other groups fear that it violates the constitutional divide between church and state.

The group, called American Atheists, says that the cross should not be displayed at all in the museum, and went on to say that if it is included, then there should be a similar panel to represent the atheists who perished at the site.

"We're arguing for equal treatment in some way, whatever that might be," the group's lawyer Edwin Kagin said last week.

[Full Story]

(If you're at a loss to understand how "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion" actually means "The September 11 Memorial and Museum shall not display a structural-steel cross," you're not alone. But I digress.)

When an advocacy group demands "equal treatment" but immediately admits that they have no idea what that means, you know right off the bat that you're not dealing with the brightest (or Bright-est) bulbs in the box. I might be an ignorant right-wing Christian theist, but I have a suggestion: since religions have symbols (like metal crosses), and American Atheists is irreligious, then they need no symbols. I'm sure that where there aren't crosses, there are huge volumes of empty space. Let AA claim those.

Nothing seems to enrage an atheist quite like a cross. I have a theory as to why this is: Atheists are vampires. This is annoying to me, because vampires are cool monsters1, whereas atheists, particularly of the AA stripe, are arrogant, irritating gadflies. Worse than that, they're superstitious, driven to a self-righteous frenzy over having to see a symbol representing a god they don't believe in.

Let them eat crucifix. Watch 'em run!

Footnote

1 The popularity of The Walking Dead aside, zombies are not cool. They're slow, stupid, and easily dealt with. If I were a police chief or mayor of an area with a mob of zombies attacking, I wouldn't waste my time going after them with shotguns and chainsaws. Instead, I'd locate the local vampire clan and hire them to clean up the zombies, promising that they could keep whatever they killed, because who can turn down free food?